Ask Sweeney
by NelliethePieAngel
Summary: I know I just made a story, but this idea hit me and my sister so suddenly, and I had to act on it fast. Really, a silly little thing based on an old skit my sister and I loved from a show called All That. All details are in the chapter, have fuuuun.
1. Chapter 1

**Ask Sweeney Intro.**

**Okay all, I know I have a story that I literally, just started. Something's come up though; a whole new stinkin' idea and I want to act on it before I forget. So here's my idea, if you like it, enter some questions, if not, don't. **

**My sister and I were bored stiff on Friday afternoon, so we started watching some YouTube videos of old shows we'd watch when we were younger. We came across an old favorite of ours called ****All That**** and started cracking up at an old skit we loved called ****Ask Ashley****. Basically, it's a short comedy skit about this little girl (a younger Amanda Bynes) who reads letters that other kids sent her asking her questions and advice. The things was, all of the answers to the letter were extremely obvious. After acting all nice and innocent while reading the letter, little Ashley would go ballistic and start yelling. Some examples are…**

1) "Dear Ashley, Once a year, my family throws this big party, and all my friends are there. They put a cake in front of me, sing some song and give me presents. Ashley, why am I treated so special on this day? Sincerely, Max. Ashley: Well Max, I do know the answer to that. IT'S YOUR STINKIN BIRTHDAY!! The day you were born you block-headed blockhead! Maybe, if you're lucky, next year somebody will give you a stinkin brain! (imitates Max) Hello I'm Max and it's my birthday and I'm confused and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah!"

2) "Dear Ashley, I love peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, but I have a problem. Every time my mom makes me peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, the peanut butter is on the bottom, but I like jelly on the bottom. What should I do? Ashley: FLIP THE STINKIN' SANDWICH OVER!!!"

3) "Dear Ashley, I am very hungry right now. I am so incredibly hungry. I cannot believe how hungry I am. Nothing is greater than my hunger. What should I do?"

So basically, we thought it would be funny to do something like that with Sweeney Todd. Just to do something a little different from all of the Toddett stuff that I usually do. Now really, we wouldn't do this to insult anyone, so we wouldn't want anyone to be upset. We'd do it all for the comedy, and to hopefully let people remember an old show we used to love.

So if you want to ask Sweeney for any advice or send him a small fake little letter to ask him a completely obvious question. Such as, it's raining and you're soaking wet but you have no clue what to do. Or, you're reading a book, but all of the words are messed up, or the pictures are upside down. Send them in, hopefully my sister and I could answer them and have a bit of fun making Sweeney answer painfully obvious questions, lol. We just want to get him mad, hahaha. Of course though, you'd have to be prepared for Sweeney to act like Ashley, with the yelling and everything. If you've never seen Ask Ashleylook on youtube and type in "Ask Ashley" (without the "s). You gotta be strong to handle him, lol. Hope you can send in some questions and enjoy any answers you receive.

**So yeah, that's about it. Just leave your advise question, or a story with a question where the answer's very obvious (such as in the first example) in your review. Hope you enjoy. **

**P.S. I'm a bit miffed right now. If you are an Angelina Jolie fan, do not read this, there is some angry at Angie bashing. So I don't want any responses bashing me for bashing her. Now I know magazines can lie, but even with just looking at the cover I wanted to smack her, lol. I was at the supermarket yesterday, and I read an article that had my face red!!! Witchelina is at it again. I used to think she was alriiiight, until this. Now I know Johnny's a ****smart****, ****sweet**** guy who loves his ****family****. I have to voice my thoughts though, I call it venting. I'm liking what people are saying I must say, and I agree, restraining orders, lol! If she's going to be this, user, do it to someone else in my opinion. No, wait, do it to no one. No one deserves to be used and to become a victim! Even if it's just in our heads, my sister, gal friends and I won't let Johnny become a victim! That's all the venting I can stir up right now. If you support what I'm saying, PLEASE put this into your review as well as the topic of this story... "I (insert name here), hereby support Johnessa (Johnny and Vanessa) and WILL NOT support Johnelina (Johnny and Angelina)!" Even if you're not too favorable on Ness either, write it, plllleaaasse! I just can't let him become 'not such an Angel'ina's next victim. Thank you for any reviews and questions for my story. P.S.S. I have ****not**** abandoned ****Lives Of the Living, And Of the dead****to write this one. This is just a silly side story, lol. **


	2. Littlezion's Questions

**LittleZion's Questions**

**So first of all, I'd like to thank all of you who reviewed and had questions for Sweeney. I'll do my best to make Sweeney answer them in a way that's well-suited to him and Ashley. Some questions I saw could also fit some of the other characters, so Sweeney may be asking for some help in answering some questions. One last thing before I start this chapter. No matter how much it hurts me to say this; I do not own Sweeney Todd. So if anyone's planning to ask me to borrow him, I'll have to politely decline. So without further ado, here comes Aaaaask Sweeney-Part 1!**

Sweeney Todd sat in his chair in him small barber shop, thinking about Lucy and Johanna. This certainly was not something new to him, he thought about them constantly everyday. He thought about he'd get him daughter back to him and he thought about that horrible Judge Turpin. How could someone do something so horrible, especially to a man that didn't do anything to deserve it? Suddenly he heard a loud knock at the door and a woman's voice ask "Mr. T, may I come in?" Sweeney grunted and the woman (also known as everyone's favorite cannibalistic baker-Mrs. Lovett) came into his shop with a small bag.

She turned the bag upside down and multiple letters fell out. Sweeney looked at the letters with confusion clearly on his face. "What are all of these letters Mrs. Lovett?"

She looked at him like she couldn't believe that he'd asked that. "You really don't know what all of this is Mr. Todd? Well I'll tell you, it's fan mail!" She smiled broadly and squealed with delight.

Sweeney on the other hand still looked confused. "Huh, fan mail? I'm not the kind of man who's supposed to get fan mail, if anything I should get hate mail. Otherwise wouldn't I be called a loveable barber, not a demon?

Mrs. Lovett walked over to Sweeney with a small note. "Here Mr. Todd, the first letter, read it."

Sweeney opened the letter and looked at it strangely. "Um, Mrs. Lovett, there are all advice questions. I'm not sure about this." Mrs. Lovett moved her hands in a circular 'answer it' motion. Sweeney let out a long sigh and read. "Alright, this first question comes from, Littlezion of the USA. She writes, 'My brother is an annoying jerk, any suggestions? (Sorry, he made me mad today, so I had to do that! lol).' Okay, first of all, I don't know what an lol is so, I hope you're not wondering what that is.

***NelliethePieAngel and Bella enter from nowhere.*** "It means laugh out loud Sweeners. Myself and my sister will be here if any of you need help answering any questions." Nellie and Bella wove to the murderous duo. "Ready to help answer questions Bella, if these two need help that is?"

Bella clapped her hands. "Let's get to it. We'll go, confront the problem, fight, WIN!" Sorry all, my sister and I are kind of Incredibles fans.

Sweeney looked at the sisters as if they were speaking some alien dialect and spoke again. "Well littlez, I believe I have a good answer for you. *Screaming* SHUT HIM UP! Do you think I should know what to do about a brother? I was born from a broken man, do you think I have any siblings? If he's a jerk, threaten him or something! Tell your brother to either shut up or I can come over for him if you want! Does your brother need a shave, huh? *Imitating littlez-Waaah, my brothers a big jerk, waah waaah waaah!*" He calmed down and gritted his teeth.

Sweeney looked at the letter again, making sure he didn't miss anything. He saw that there were still two questions, though one seemed completely foolish. And the other, seemed utterly thoughtless. "Fine, the next question is... "Sweeney, what would happen if you smacked a chicken while it was laying an egg?

(This question has haunted me for over a year!)" Sweeney thought about it for a while, he really didn't know. He supposed he could take a guess at what would happen. "Well littlez, while I'm not 100% sure... THE CHICKEN WOULD PROBABLY WANT TO BITE YOUR STINKIN' HAND OFF! Would you really be stupid enough to smack a chicken while it was laying an egg?! You better run because it would probably want to go after you for threatening it." Sweeney let out a small growl. "Why would someone ask such a foolish question? Of course the chickens gonna try to get you, you're threatening it and an egg!"

Mrs. Lovett looked at him worriedly and started to giggle. She came up behind Sweeney and wrapped her arms around him, surprising to her, he allowed it. Maybe he knew he had to calm down a bit as well. "Ow's about I read one, just so you can calm down a bit, eh Mr. T?"

Sweeney looked at the letter again, this one would be good for her. "Here's one that looks good for you, it's about food."

Mrs. Lovett took the letter and read the question. "How long does it take to make a 30 minute pizza? (lol sorry)." Mrs. Lovett read over the letter a few more times, just to make sure she wasn't missing anything. Could a question this obvious really be asked, and there was another lol notation.

***Nellie and Bella looked at her, waiting.*** Bella approached Mrs. Lovett and put a hand on her shoulder. "It's cool Mrs. L, sometimes people ask silly and obvious questions. That's what this little story's all about, asking any silly and obvious question, and then you and Sweeney yell about how obvious it was. It's really all for laughs."

Mrs. Lovett smiled as Bella rejoined her sister. Mrs. Lovett closed her eyes, thinking of some way to answer this. The answer was in the question, so why couldn't this person just find out herself? "Well Littlezion, my friend, I believe I have an answer for you." Her eyebrows lowered and she looked ready to attack. "THE STINKIN' ANSWER'S IN THE STINKIN' QUESTION. My gawd, you take the pizza. Make it look all nice and stuff, then put it in the bleedin' oven for 30 flippin' minutes. The reason it took so long to figure this one out is because, I actually thought there was more to this darn question. Look at your question dearie, the stinkin' answer is IIIIN the question. I hope you don't burn that pizza, cause it seems you've already burned your brain! *Imitating Littlez- I'm littleziooon and I don't know how long it takes to cook up a 30 flippin' minute pizza. Oh woe is me, for I have lost my common sense. Nope, nothing up here but complaining about my brother, smacking chickens silly and cooking pizzas. I don't know the answer even though I answered my own question in the question and blahdy blahdy blahdy stinkin' BLAH!* Hey I've got an idea, why don't you ask your jerky brother if he knows how long it takes to cook a flippin' 30 minute pizza, while your smacking that chicken! Come on now genius." She let out a large sigh and screamed annoyed.

Nellie and Bella laughed behind their hands, Mrs. Lovett should get annoyed sometimes. The thing was, it was funny when she got annoyed. She looked like something similar to a pogo-stick in action, jumping around annoyed while answering the question. Nellie walked up to the baker and after letting her know that she did a good job, started laughing. "She said she burned out her brain and smack chickens, I'm sorry but that was funny." Everyone started chuckling, and even Sweeney showed off a bit of a smirk at it. They still had more letters to go through, but they felt that letter was enough for the day.

**So, I hope you all the first submissions answers. I'll do this for everyone, because I know I'm making these Sweeney characters go crazy and insult, so at the end of every chapter... Littlez, I do apologize if anything was hurt (besides the chicken) by this chapter. Remember all, it's for the laughs and fun of it all. If ya can't handle Ashley's answers (Sweeney or whoever's answering the question), don't ask the question. And if you think you can handle it, then that's awesome. I'm trying to make this long, so keep sending in those questions and our crew will keep trying to answer them. Even PMing is cool, if ya come up with any questions and you've already reviewed, pm any other questions you have for them. And remember, making the questions painfully and foolishly obvious is the game. So hope you enjoyed, and leave reviews. **

** P.S. I'm actually starting to think of a new story. Yeah I know, 3 stories, oy. That's why this new story will be rather short, just a quick little thing. I've done so much with Sweeney Todd, that I was thinking I should use some other movies, lol. So I was sleeping one night, when it kind of smack ed me on the head. TNBC! Hear me out, Jack's already dead and stuff, so I'm sure his family would be too. So even though she's not mentioned in the story, at all, I make Jack pay her a visit. Jack tells her of his plan to make Christmas and she feels disappointed. She goes on about Jack's older brother (yes I'm making him have an older brother). She asks how it's possible that Jack can only think about taking another holiday, when his older brother's soooo successful as Grimmy. It would be the ever-popular 'Your brother's the grim reaper, why can't you make a huge success of yourself like him?' story. Anyone likett, hatett, lovett? **

** P.S.S. I hope everyone has a great v-day. I've already started, I got a Tim Burton design card from my mom. XD! LOL (lots of love) people! 3 3 3 3!!!!!**


	3. Sadisticalovett, Just Maya and JDLuvaSQE

**Sadisticalovett, Just Maya and JDLuvaSQEE**

**I'm so sorry it took sooo long for me to add this, chapter I've been really busy with my first Nightmare Before Christmas story on here. So when you finish reading this I hope you can all check out my Nightmare story. :) Plus I've had no power at all for the past couple of days because of a snow storm. Anyway, this chapter will cover the questions asked by the three Fanfictioners listed as the title. I hope they enjoy this chapter as much as everyone else does. Hm, not much else to say. I don't own Sweeney Todd and I probably never will, so there, it stinks I know. **

Sweeney and Mrs. Lovett looked at each other after reading and answering Littlezion's questions, how could someone ask such obvious questions? They each took deep breaths and Sweeney picked up another few letters. "Geez, I can't believe we have more! Do we really have to answer all of these questions NelliePie? Are all of these questions so, badly thought out?"

Nellie nodded her head and laughed. "Sorry but yes Sweenster. That's how the rules go for this story, people have to ask you questions where the answers are extremely obvious, and you have to answer them in the angriest way, like Ashley does. Don't worry though, from the reviews I have received you both seem to be doing a good job. Just keep it up now."

Sweeney read the letter. "This one's from, the-sadisticalovett-nutcase from Australia. Sadistical says, "What do u think ur relationship with Nellie is like?" Sweeney lowered the letter and looked at Nellie **(I'm referring to Mrs. Lovett as Mrs. Lovett or the baker in this story, Nellie is NelliethePieAngel-me).** "Well Sadisitcal, I DON'T KNOW NELLIE AT ALL REALLY. All I know is that she thinks it's funny when Mrs. Lovett talks about smacking chickens and..."

Nellie interrupted his raging answer. "Um Sweeney, I think she meant Mrs. Lovett, not me Nellie."

Sweeney looked at the letter again and his cheeks turned a slight pink. "Well then, I think she's a bloody pain in the ass. My relationship with that baker is like tooth pain that won't go away. No matter what you try to do, it won't leave you alone! I mean bloody hell, all she ever does is talk. I swear, she could win the stinkin' talkathon, if there was some award for talking, she'd win for stinkin' sure!" He threw down the paper in a fury and started pacing in hysteria.

Bella picked up the letter and looked at it. "Oh Sweeney, there's one more thing written here. 'Well open ur eyes! She luvs u!' What do you say to that Mr. demon barber?"

Sweeney snatched the letter from her greedily. "What the, what's luv? **(Pronounce it like loove to make it sound funny).** Is that some weird way to say love? And u, not you? Hmm, strange language. Anyway, if she really did love me, she'd shut her trap a bit more. I can't believe you're even saying that Sadistical, she doesn't do anything that I love."

Mrs. Lovett looked at him with a hurt expression on her face and picked up another letter. Without a single word she handed the letter over to Sweeney. Nellie hit him lightly on the arm. "See what you did Sweeney, she looks so sad now." Mrs. Lovett ran over to his box of razors and pulled out a label maker. "Don't ask me why but Nellie over there had this label maker thing and I wanted to use it for a bit." **(I like them, they're kind of fun, so sue me for being a label maker liking weirdo). **"You apologize now, or your razor friends will become my property."

She began to make a label of her name when Sweeney screamed out "NOOOO! You foolish woman, those are my friends."

She frowned at him and gave him a hard glare. "Fine, I'm sorry I said that Mrs. Lovett, for now." Mrs. Lovett smiled widely, wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him on the cheek. Nellie and Bella ooohed and he looked at them menacingly. Bella laughed and told him to read the next letter while Nellie and Mrs. Lovett started talking quietly. Sweeney started to read "This next letter is from Just Maya. Maya asks… What kind of meat is in the pies?" He frowned nervously and darted eyes over to Bella who had this wicked smile on her face.

Bella laughed and leaned forward. "Come on Mr. Todd, answer Maya's question. What kind of meat is in those meat pies of Mrs. Lovett's?"

Sweeney coughed and said, "That's a very good question Maya, but I think we should let Mrs. Lovett answer this question." He looked around but the only ones there besides himself were Nellie and Bella. "Um, where did Mrs. Lovett go anyway?"

Nellie shrugged and shook her head. "I have no clue; she saw my cell phone and asked about it. I was giving her the cell phone talk, saying how you could do anything with it, text, take pictures, whatever. She asked about something then she ran off with it saying she was going to send Sweeney something using Bella's cell. So Bella, listen for you cell phone."

Bella gasped, then started to blush and giggle uncontrollably. "Hey Nell, you how Mrs. Lovett loves Sweeney." Nellie nodded but still looked at her with slight confusion. "Well, you don't think that Mrs. Lovett would. Do you think she'd, you-know-what-him?" **(Sorry all, but being a big Rocky Horror fan like me can put these thoughts into your head).**

Nellie's eyes grew and she quickly put her hand over her mouth. "Oh my gooood, Bella, you've really got to stop seeing RHPS."

Bella leaned back surprised. "Me, you were the one who introduced it to me! Still, do you think she'd…" At that moment her ring tone went off. Sweeney screamed that 'his wife does not nor had ever had leeches!' Nellie calmed him down and said that it was just a song, a really great song. Bella looked like she was trying not to laugh when she looked at the picture on her cell phone. "Well, unless she's into girls now, I think this is for you Mr. T." Sweeney grabbed the cell phone and looked at the photo. The girls laughed like loonies when they saw his expression change from one of annoyance to one of horror. Mrs. Lovett's already low cut dress had apparently been, um, lowered a bit. **(I only have RHPS to blame; it and Sweeney Todd ruined my sweet and innocent mind). **

He quickly dialed the number on the picture and when the baker's voice answered said sternly, "Don't do that again you blasted woman. Now come back in here, you have a fan question to answer."

In a matter of minutes the baker was back in the barber shop and Sweeney handed her the letter, purposely looking away from her. She looked over the letter and put it down carefully. "What a good question Just Maya and I think I have a great answer. IT'S BLOODY MEAT! Veal, pork, turkey! Whatever kind of meat, usually good ol' veal straight from the **(this next word is dedicated to Sadisitcallovett because she and I lovett so much and love when Helena says it**) bovine! Duuuuh, I'm Maya and I don't know what meat pies are made out of besides any possible veggies, the gravy and the crust. What is that brown stuff you put in a meat pie? Duuuuh, maybe it's chocolate or something. Maybe they put flippin' fish in the stinkin' MEAT pie!" Nellie came up behind her and whispered something in her ear. The baker looked taken aback by her comment. "Wait, you say you know the real meat that's in 'em? As in, the *whispered* people?" Nellie nodded slowly but made an X shape where her heart was. Then she slapped her hands together in a praying motion, put up two fingers and then made a slitting motion across her throat. Then she poked at her eye with her pointer finger. Mrs. Lovett looked at her confused until Nellie once again, told her what that meant. "Oh, good, you girls are very sweet to keep our little secret." Nellie smirked then sat down. "Well, since you know what really goes into those pies of mine, that's even more ridiculous. If you already know what has to go into meat pies, why stinkin' ask?!" She slapped her face with her hand **(face palm, ha)** and groaned as she went to grab another letter. "'Ere Mr. T, another letter for ya."

Sweeney took the letter from her. " This one's from JDLuvaSQEE. She writes: First things first: I LOVE YOU! You are SO FREAKIN' AWESOME!! Turpin is a PERVERT! YOU, SWEENEY, ARE SO HOT AND SEXY! 1) What was the crime that Turpin falsely accused you of? 2) if you had to pick between dating Inspector Frederick Abberline (From Hell) and Constable Ichabod Crane (Sleepy Hollow) OR Judge Turpin, who would you choose?"

Sweeney looked at the letter again then looked at the three girls who were snickering. "Well first of all, if you insist on telling me that you love me, I will probably ignore it. Unless you're Lucy of course and I doubt that you are. If you keep referring to me as hot or sexy, I may have to get a way to push you away from me. Now to answer your first question JDLuva, if you and all of these other fan letter questioners know about everything Mrs. Lovett and I do, THEN WHY DON'T YOU BLOODY FIGURE IT OUT FOR YOURSELVES!!! Are people really this lazy, or are you all just as foolish as Benjamin Barker was? He accused me of foolishness, no one stinkin' told me what foolish meant. For all I know it could've meant he said I was dishonoring Lucy. Which is something I'd never do, I loved my Lucy and I still do now! Plus, he FALSELY accused me of it, he's a screwed up crude pervert. And while you questioning girls may not be crude perverts, you're all certainly screwed up."

Nellie stood up and put the back of her hand to her forehead. "Oh my, Sweeney just called me screwed up. I'm so, insulted!" She fell backwards into Bella's arms and laughed. "Relax a bit Toddy and the way to get her away is a restraining order. Pus I know I'm screwed up. I'm a flippin' crazy cuckoo bird! One person on another website even called me a freak because I'm really into Robert."

Bella cut in suddenly, "Robert, please tell me you don't mean..."

Nellie laughed and shook her head. "No, not that Robert. You know who I mean, the Robert we met in Florida this past summer that we've been obsessive about for a few years now! By the way Sweeney, if you think Anthony's trouble, you should come to our time and hear about Robert."

Bella shuddered. "Jeez, that doll's creepier in person. I think he possessed me hahaha! Remember when you created the song about that dang doll?"

Nellie nodded and laughed. "Well of course I do, I wrote it as a parody of 'The Ballad of Sweeney Todd' after all. I know you thought he was creepy looking, but I thought he looked kind of cute actually, just very mysterious." They began to sing 'The Ballad of Robert the Doll' until Sweeney interrupted them.

"Um, girls, I'm sorry to break up your singing session about possessed dolls, but I still have another question to answer." The girls shut their mouths, chuckled quietly and quietly apologized.

Sweeney nodded and cleared his throat. "Now, as for your next question JDLuva, I have a very appropriate answer. WHAT IS BLOODY WRONG WITH YOU? Frederick, Ichabod, don't those sound like men's names to you? Do you think I have an interest in men, because I certainly don't. I went on a rant just before about how I love my, sadly deceased, wife Lucy. How dare you accuse me of having a love interest in men! And about hat last man, JUDGE TURPIN?! ARE YOU FLIPPIN' MAD? **(that made me so XD)** He's the vermin who raped my wife and kidnaped my daughter in the first place. If it weren't for him, I'd be a happy man. *Imitating JDLuva* Uuuuh, I'm JDLuva and I think the reason that Sweeney over here doesn't love the annoying Mrs. Lovett is because he's a man lover. Apparently in my squirrel sized brain, his wife Lucy was really a man or something. I don't know anything besides Sweeney Todd loving men and not knowing anything about foolishness. Hey, why don't you look in a mirror, you seem pretty foolish to me!"

The girls tried to calm him down again but nothing worked, he was on a roll. "Why don't Frederick, Ichabod and everyone else go hang out with that doll these two sisters were talking about? And then we can all talk about how we feel about Mrs. Lovett loving us and types of meat, while these two tell lies about my wife having little slithering creatures sucking on her."

At this point all of the girls were on the floor laughing in hysterics. Nellie got up and spoke first, thought she had to pause every so often to laugh. "First of all Sweeney, Robert the Doll is from the state of Florida in America and won't be around until 1896, us sisters came from the future to help you with these fan questions. So you don't have to worry about seeing Robert, no matter how cool he is! Second of all, JDLuva was not meaning to call you homosexual, she was just asking you a clearly obvious question. Remember Sweeney, those are the rules of this little game." Sweeney nodded and calmed down. He couldn't believe they were still playing this stupid game, did people like frustrating him? He didn't know, but he wasn't exactly looking forward to the next letters anytime soon.

**So, I hope you all enjoyed chapter 3. I hope I answered all of your questions so that the character's responses pleased you. That's why I write these crazy things, to please and hopefully receive reviews and laughs. Don't worry, there are more questions to come and more answers. As well as more mad off topic conversations about things like possessed dolls and shocking cell phone photos being sent from a certain baker to a certain barber.**


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